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Hot Cross Broads


On one Thanksgiving Day back in the 1990s when I was tripping on the effects of too much turkey and pumpkin pie, I had a stray neuron: what if my nephews had been born nieces instead?

Sitting nearby were my nephews Chris and David, two macho college guys who at that moment were in the throes of glycemic comas from their own gluttonous binge.

They looked like easy targets willing subjects. 

I convinced them it would be interesting--a science experiment, really!--to see what they would have looked like if they'd been born with a different combo of X and Y chromosomes, that is, what if they had been girls?

And besides, I earnestly assured them, who would ever know? 

Although they tried resist, the effects of too much sweetened condensed milk (the key ingredient in Kay's famous sweet potato casserole) left them powerless. They agreed to allow their female cousins to apply the full hair and makeup treatment. The girls whipped out their cosmetic cases and my mother's bathroom took on an uncanny resemblance to the cosmetic counter at Macy's.

A hour later we unveiled the cross dressing hotties to the rest of the family. Their mothers and aunts marveled at their beauty and clapped their hands and laughed; their fathers and uncles averted their eyes much like you'd do if you came upon a really, really bad car accident.

And then I convinced them to let me take their photos dressed up like that.  

I was hoping they would grow up to be famous so I could use these photos to blackmail them out of ridiculous sums of money. But no such luck--one works for the EPA and the other works for the postal service.  Responsible jobs, oh sure, but not high profile enough to be any help with my retirement fund, dammit. 

By the way, this guy is my former husband. I talked him into letting me give him the full makeup treatment too. He filed for divorce the very next day on the grounds of extreme mental cruelty.

Just kidding on the "very next day" part.


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