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Hot Cross Broads
On one Thanksgiving Day back in the
1990s when I was
tripping on the effects of too much turkey and pumpkin pie, I had a
stray neuron: what if my nephews had been born nieces
Sitting nearby were my nephews
Chris and David, two macho college guys who at that
moment were in the throes of glycemic comas from their
own gluttonous binge.
easy targets willing
I convinced them it would be
interesting--a science experiment, really!--to see what they
would have looked like
if they'd been born with a different combo of X and Y
chromosomes, that is, what if they had been girls?
And besides, I earnestly assured them,
who would ever know?
Although they tried
resist, the effects of too much sweetened condensed milk
(the key ingredient in Kay's famous sweet potato
casserole) left them powerless. They agreed to allow
their female cousins to apply the full hair
and makeup treatment. The girls whipped out their
cosmetic cases and my mother's bathroom took on an
uncanny resemblance to the cosmetic counter at Macy's.
A hour later we unveiled the cross
dressing hotties to the rest of the family. Their mothers and aunts
marveled at their beauty and clapped their hands and
laughed; their fathers and uncles averted their eyes
much like you'd do if you came upon a really, really bad
And then I convinced them
to let me take their photos dressed up like that.
I was hoping they
would grow up to be famous so I
could use these photos to blackmail them out of ridiculous sums
of money. But no such luck--one works for the EPA and
the other works for the postal service. Responsible jobs, oh sure, but
not high profile enough to be any help with my
By the way, this guy is my former
husband. I talked him into letting me give him the full
makeup treatment too. He filed for
divorce the very next day on the grounds of extreme
Just kidding on the "very next day" part.